This could be considered one of my personal core beliefs. Anytime there's tension in a relationship, we have a these options:
- if the issue isn't a big deal, let it go: people, even people we don't know well, are more important than petty issues.
- if the issue is a big deal, be proactive: that means dealing with the tension as soon as you notice it.
- give others the benefit of the doubt. Even when I think the tension or problem has developed because of the other person, I'll say something like, "I have felt some tension between us, have you been feeling the same thing?... What do you think is causing it?"
- deal with it quickly, don't let busyness delay you.
- deal with it in person: either over the phone or face-to-face, preferably the later. Never using email or texting or IMing.
- don't place blame, take personal responsibility for feelings: "I feel angry when you laugh at me every time I talk about my job."
- relationships are more important than winning a fight: be willing to meet in common ground and make an effort to see the situation through the others eyes.
- if resolution can't be found, set parameters to continue working on the issue.
7 comments:
What great advice...I wish I put it into action more frequently!
I think sometimes we face a double-edged sword with relationships (especially macho, he-men)! At times, I find myself not wanting to lose a dispute--because of ego and competitive nature. Then on other occasions I allow myself to be bulldozed rather than taking a firm, yet loving stance.
I think as Christians we get bombarded with the idea of "loving our neighbor", "turning the other cheek", etc. and we take on this push over countenance in the name of biblical obedience. Then we try to "modernize" our thinking and stand up for ourselves because "Jesus was no pushover". The result is that we can't strike appropriate balance that demonstrates love, compassion, strength of conviction, and boundries.
Good thoughts...but I still don't like to lose!
I like the way you explain this- makes perfect sense. I agree w/ Dean, too. Can I add this?: Keep it between you and the person you're having conflict with. No back biting allowed. It's one thing to seek someone else's counsel prior to confronting someone, but there is a difference between that and talking about someone behind their back. Unless it's appropriate, which I think it can be, don't even name names.
One more thing to add: Don't bloody someone's nose, unless they really deserved it.
Thank you Ray. Excellent thought about keeping it between you and the other person. When we honor the relationship as vital, we don't try to pull others in to give us support.
Oh... and don't use a hammer to get a fly off someone's shoulder.
Using a hammer to get a fly off of someone's shoulder, now that's just silly. But seriously, sometimes people need a good punch in the face.
[From Steph]
This past summer I've certainly had my share of conflict to deal with :) and I must say that these are wonderful, truthful, healthy steps to follow when dealing with conflict. Now that I've actually put them into practise I can attest to that! One remark I will add, from a felame perspective, is that it's really hard to be assertive. It seems like such a fine line (for a woman) between being assertive and being a (insert derogatory female slang here)...becasue we're suppossed to be submissive and self-sacrificing and blah,blah,blah. It's easy to be a people pleaser. But people pleasing often breeds resentment, and when I feel like I'm doing all of the giving and none of the receiving in a relationship, then that is when conflict is most likely to arise for me, becasue I get fed up and just want to give up. So I feel that it is better to know one's limitations and be assertive with people-be honest and up-front- becasue it's a good way to avoid conflict. And if by letting people walk all over you, you think that you are avoiding conflict...take my advice, it doesn't work!
Ray, I understand, I do. Just remember, "Police, stop resisting!"
I appreciated "Anonymous Steph's" honesty on this one and the female perspective. I also know that (expletive) is a label imposed by our society of many women who simply know how to be assertive and make decisions. Sometimes, this mentality even comes from those in the church.
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