Lesson learned: conflict isn't bad. How we handle conflict is either good or bad, but conflict itself is an opportunity for growth or reveals an area where we need to grow.
I've taught this since we launched Lifehouse, and often challenge our leaders to NOT avoid conflict but to handle it biblically. 2010 was a year when my conviction to hold to this biblical stance was seriously tested.
Here are my personal reasons why I didn't want to deal with conflict, (then I'll share how I overcame them):
- dealing with conflict felt scary and uncomfortable,
- was afraid a person wouldn't like me if I address a reason for tension,
- didn't want to lose a friend, and thought, "if I address this issue, they won't want to be my friend anymore". I know, it sounds like I'm a kindergartner, does it? But it's how you think, too.
- it takes too much time and energy. Time better spent elsewhere,
- it'll go away on it's own, and if I bring it up, it will get worse,
- what if I'm not "right"?
- what if dealing with conflict reveals a weakness in me?
How I've grown and overcome some of these challenges:
- deal with conflict quickly, before it becomes "cancerous" and destructive, both to relationship and the church,
- give people the benefit of the doubt,
- don't believe second-hand info, but let people share their thoughts first-hand,
- avoid my personal insecurities and fears from debilitating me by trusting God and getting over myself,
- recognize that I still have a lot to learn and that God will use conflict to grow me (this one is hard to learn and hurts the most),
- unresolved tension grows destructive, so deal with it headed on and often until it's resolved,
- allow people time to think and grow. Don't demand immediate resolution.
- conflict might take a lot of time, but it takes less time on the front end than if left unresolved. Eventually, it will become all-consuming and a massive drain on your time.
- Even when we disagree, people are still precious to God and should be loved and treated with value.
- I LOVE those with whom I've had conflict. Even when things don't turn out like I wanted, they may not even know it but I regularly PRAY for them and think of them often. I wouldn't address issues of conflict if I didn't care.
- God heals and brings the ultimate reconciliation in relationships. If things can't be resolved, we must turn it over to God.
- When we receive forgiveness from God, we MUST give forgiveness to and ASK forgiveness of others.
This was a very raw and personal approach to conflict. Listen to a sermon I preached on this topic in BIG part 4.
Big take away, "Conflict inevitable, combat optional". Watch this video for a laugh:
Big take away, "Conflict inevitable, combat optional". Watch this video for a laugh:
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